One of my favorite things about Craigslist is the haiku discussion forum. Craig, clearly a fan, occaisonally posts one of his own to his blog. I noticed this one on his Facebook page
Fog rolls down the hills; In the bright sunshine; Back to customer service.
My first suggested revision
In the bright sunshine
Fog rolls down the hills above;
Complaints wait for me
This felt like there was too much perpetual action, so here’s my second attempt
Bright sun rays break through
Fog rolling down hills above;
Complaints wait for me
I would prefer to make complaints appear sudden and abrupt, but the fact is the sun has a more temporary impact in foggy San Francisco and I’m sure Craig deals with a never ending flow of customer service issues…. Maybe complaints isn’t the word Craig would prefer, knowing how much he appreciates his users. I also miss the imagery of sitting in the sun. Third attempt
In the bright sunshine
Fog rolling down hills above;
My inbox awaits
Something is still not quite there. Drawing from the more formal rules of Japanese haiku, my fourth attempt
In the bright sunshine
Summer fog rolls down the hills;
My inbox awaits