No, I am not talking about the video of Steve Ballmer doing the monkey dance — showing his dislike of creationism.

And I also am not talking about the theory that Shakespeare’s work could be replicated if you put enough monkeys on keyboards.

I am talking about the simple fact that if you are asked to secure a network environment, you will inevitably end up facing a Microsoft system setup to be a primary source of authentication, yet at great risk from attackers. You want to help, but every security expert knows Microsoft is a mess to work around.

It’s like being asked by a king to secure a castle after his keep was built with open doors at the top of stairs that terminate all over the place, often outside the perimeter walls. Imagine having to say “This design allows the village idiot to walk right into your bedroom and sleep with the queen. You didn’t know you were paying for that?”

Companies have to pay a hefty fee to make it safe after the fact, and in some cases the only way to make it safe it to tear it out and replace it. Can you believe Windows 98 was even allowed to be put on the market?

“Cheep, cheep” comes to mind.

Could monkeys stand in for Shakespeare? Interesting question, but perhaps more interesting is why people think it is fine for monkeys to manage software products.

Maybe Eliza Griswold’s Monkey poem explains this somehow:

Last week, the children ate his mother—

dashed her head against the breadfruit.

A young girl soldier laughs,

tears the baby from my leg

and hurls him toward the tree.

Corporate politics? Primitive product testing?