“How were our cars supposed to know these weren’t just speed bumps?” asks company spokesperson.
Mounting criticism over a decade of school zone fatalities has led Tesla representatives to claim this week that deceased children had failed to adequately communicate to the company’s Full Self-Driving system that they deserved not to be run over.
“Unfortunately, these youngsters provided no clear indication to our vehicles that they possessed the basic right to continued existence,” said Tesla spokesperson Melon Taco, who noted that even after reviewing footage of children screaming and diving out of the way, the company’s AI could find no documentation supporting claims that small humans warranted braking.
“Our autonomous vehicles were given ample opportunity to recognize these individuals as beings deserving of life, but frankly, six-year-olds just don’t present proper credentials. How else were our cars supposed to distinguish them from traffic cones, trees or other things we don’t care about?”
Self-driving Teslas only gained the ability to recognize school bus signs a few months ago, in December 2024.
Let THAT sink in for a second.
Teslas started driving themselves on American roads in October 2015. The same technology that had Youtubers and Tesla fans gleefully driving down the street blindfolded or asleep, THAT tech had no idea how to behave around school buses for about a decade.
So, this is a newly released feature that allows the self-driving Teslas to see school bus stop signs, avoid schoolchildren on foot, oh right, and obey the law by stopping at the flashing lights as required.
On that basis, you wouldn’t think I could find driver videos. But I can! Tesla drivers record everything.
Plenty of Examples of Self-Driving Teslas Blowing School Bus Stop-Signs (And Other Signs!)
Tesla executives clarified that their vehicles had been operating under the assumption that flashing red lights and stop signs near schools were merely suggestions, noting that children running for their lives did not constitute sufficient proof they deserved to live.
“We programmed our cars to optimize efficiency, not to cater to every little person who thinks they’re entitled to cross a street without being mowed down,” explained Chief Technology Officer Apar Theid while reviewing internal emails titled “Department of Government Casualty Thresholds by Demographics.” “If these kids wanted our respect, they should have been whiter, or at least wearing high-visibility DOGE merchandise.”
…the Tesla didn’t fail to detect the mannequin, which would have still been bad enough. The system actually detected the child-size stand-in and classified it as a pedestrian but didn’t bother to stop or even slow down. It just kept on going, completely ignoring the “kid” crossing the street.
Company insiders revealed that Tesla’s neural networks had been specifically trained to interpret the screams of children as “background noise” and school crossing guards as “optional NPCs in the driving simulation.”
At press time, Tesla announced that while they would reluctantly program their vehicles to occasionally avoid killing children, crying and pleading for one’s life would still not count as adequate identification of one’s humanity.